Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
