she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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