every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
