I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You need a sexual gate keeper
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
