The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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