This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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