Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
