I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
You left your phone here
Wait...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
