So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize