My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
