life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
