Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
