When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
