and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
