Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
