Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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