It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
