If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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