What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize