I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
