____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
