I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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