We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
