someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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