There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
