Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize