I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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