i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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