sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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