I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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