If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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