My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
