i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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