the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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