I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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