I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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