i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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