My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
