I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
