I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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