Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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