I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
