marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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