he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
