do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize