Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
