I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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