I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize