i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
