i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
