"it" just moved
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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