I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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