That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
