The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
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