you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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