I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
