You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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