Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
