A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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