Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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