A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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