Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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