Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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