the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So squirting runs in the family.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
