Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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